You know how when you pick your puppy up after he's been at the Vet all day and he pees about 300 hundred times before he will come in the house? He wets every tree, foreign object, and blade of grass within site. You seriously wonder how one little dog could possible hold so much liquid? Well Dillon (my 7 year old) had one of those kind of afternoons. How could one little boy possibly have to pee 57 times in a 3 hour period? Maybe it was all that tea he drank before we left the house, or possibly the approximate half gallon of terribly overpriced soda he consumed at the movies, but he got up to go twice during the movie and then hit the restroom of every single errand stop we made afterward until we finally hit that age old dilemma at the Kroger gas pumps... every mother of a little country boy knows what I'm talking about here... he just pops out of the back seat while I'm pumping gas and starts to "assume the position". Eagle-eye Mom that I am, I barely caught him before he had fully reached into his shorts "NO SIR! You can't go right HEEERE!!" To which I got the "Aww Mom... but I REALLY have to go BAD!" There is no restroom anywhere nearby without going into a store or restaurant, which I honestly didn't have the time or inclination to do, and there was no way he could hold it for the 30 minute trip home so... we improvised. Let me just say empty Sonic drink cups in the backseat are great for "take out". LOL
Sad thing is this was by no means the first time he's had to use a restroom alternative. Any of you have one of those spouses like mine who do not believe in stopping any time on a long road trip except for gas? Well my old suburban, our previous road trip vehicle extroidinaire, got about 500 miles to a tank of gas. Calculate that out and its about EIGHT HOURS nonstop. Which meant you better think twice about that second glass of tea, and while the girls in the family may get a very quick stop after enough whining, boys were expected to either man up and hold it or improvise. Is it any wonder why my boys learned to prefer wide-mouth bottles of Gatorade over 20oz. soda bottles on a road trip?
I'm a little nicer. I will usually pull over briefly on the side of the road. Fess up country Moms, who among us has not done the pull over on the side of the road with no traffic, open both front and back doors, and place the kid in between them while you watch for any approaching traffic? "Hurry up! Hurry up! And don't pee on the door!" Hahaha
Restroom rules are often confusing for little country boys. On one hand they are taught it is perfectly fine to "water the bushes" at the deer lease or when working out in the pasture, but then Mom freaks out when they try that in a busy store parking lot. Go figure? Over the side of the boat - very good; off the side of the front porch - very bad. At the barn - Mommy loves you; in the outfield at baseball practice - Mommy has a coronary. It's just too confusing at times?
Then there is the Mom dilemma of what to do when you see your precious little boy "strike the pose" in an inappropriate place but too far away to inconspicuously tell him to cease operations. Do you scream out at him, and therefore everyone around you turns and looks at him? Or do you act like you don't know that hick of a kid and hope no one else notices?? (Only to quietly threaten him within an inch of his life later when you catch up with him.) Hmmmm.... motherhood is full of these earth-shattering decisions.
Of course sometimes you just can't help but laugh at these country boys... Once at t-ball practice when Dillon was younger he went behind an outbuilding (out of sight of everyone but us) to relieve himself since there are no bathroom facilities at the rural practice field. Only he was feeling adventurous in that magical little boy way and decided to spin around in circles while peeing. We busted out laughing!!
Speaking of fun and peeing in the same train of thought, any of you who have witnessed DJ's bottle trick at the stock shows will agree out of all the hilarious stuff he's pulled over the years this is probably one of his all-time best gags ever! At cattle shows the cattle are arranged in long rows, bedded down on wood shavings which of course the cattle pee and poop onto. The kids spend long days hanging out with the cattle and caring for them while waiting for their time to show. Hence the age old mathmatical formula Teenagers (+) lots of idle time on their hands (=) mischief. While our group routinely makes the long walk to facility restrooms, it would not be totally out of the question for an uncouth gentleman to take a leak in the shavings with the cattle when no one is looking. Hence the perfect gag... DJ will drill a small hole in the lid of a plastic water bottle with his pocketknife and then wait for a good opportunity... usually when an unsuspecting lady friend is standing around and everyone except that target is in on the joke. Then DJ will stand near that person with his back to them, assume the guy body position (feet apart, hips thrust forward, one or both hands in the nether region), only he is perfectly zipped up and just squeezes the water bottle to make a stream. This usually gets one of several reactions: 1) The visible and outrageous shock on their face as it dawns on them what he's supposedly doing, followed shortly by blushing and looking the other way. 2) The shock followed by looking at others and motioning "can you believe this?". 3) The shock followed by shouting and/or running away. Guys are often a little harder to shock than the ladies. Once DJ did this to two of our show team Dads in San Antonio, only he turned slightly when they said something to him and sprayed their feet with the stream. Ha! They both jumped about two feet in the air and cussed a blue streak! All of this of course is followed by absolutely hysterical laughter from the onlookers in on the joke. Who else but DJ would come up with that AND be able to pull it off with a straight face?
Being a Mom to good ole country boys isn't always easy, but it never ceases to keep me on my toes and be vastly entertaining!
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